Wedding speeches have the potential of putting the already tired couple to sleep unless these speeches are (drumroll) FUNNY (obviously.) The day is sentimental enough for the couple, hence, why not imbibe* some life into them. To rescue you out of this confusion* and the guests from your sense of humour (ahem), jotting* down some amazing* liners to open your speech so that the guests (and the couple) is all ears WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.
- “(Groom) was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the Bride and Groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
- “(Bride) can you place your hand on the table? (places hand on the table) Now (Groom), can you please place your hand on top of (Brides)? Now that the two of you are married, (Groom), this is the last time you will ever have the upper hand.”
- “My name is (if you are the groom’s best friend/brother) and I guess, it is my job to tell you the truth about (groom). A gentleman, a hard worker, a loyal friend, a charismatic guy, a health nut, an inspiration – he is none of these things, but I’m sure he has some other good qualities otherwise he wouldn’t have landed the lovely Jill.”
- “God, it has been a very emotional day – even the cake is in tiers.”
- “I really think marriage is going to be great for Jack. It will teach him loyalty, kindness, compromise, self-restraint, fair play and all those other qualities he wouldn’t need if he had just stayed single.”
- “Good evening everyone! My name is [Maid of Honor]. For those that don’t know me, the bride and I go way back. In fact, we literally go all the way back to the sandbox. We met at the park one afternoon. She was drawn to my homemade mullet. I was drawn to the giant chocolate stain on her shirt. “That’s my kind of lady,” I thought. We’ve been best friends ever since.
- “As anyone who is married w=here will know, marriage is built on teamwork, and I’m sure (bride) and (groom) will make a wonderful team. I’m sure (groom) will wear the pants in their relationship and (bride) will tell him which ones to wear.”
- “To start this speech I googled ‘perfect wedding speech’ but you had to pay to read it and I thought it’s not worth it, hence, I’m just gonna wing it.”
- “When (bride) first asked me to be her bridesmaid I felt delighted. As the big day approached, I was asked to give a speech and a toast. I fall into the shy and retiring category, so I obviously tried to think of ways to get out of it. But have you ever tried saying no to (bride) and succeed?”
- “(Bride) and (groom) have set the ground rules for their marriage; he won’t try to run her life and he won’t attempt to run his own life either!”
And to end your speech
“May you two have the two essential things you need for a successful marriage: a sense of humor and selective hearing.”
Warning: Make sure you use thhese ONLY if the couple and the guests (but mostly the couple) have a sense of humor and will take this in the right stride.